


Grey

by impravidus



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Character Death, Depression, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-06
Updated: 2019-01-06
Packaged: 2019-10-05 03:44:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17317445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/impravidus/pseuds/impravidus
Summary: Adrien's last moments before he ends his life.TW: depression, suicide





	Grey

**Author's Note:**

> Please don't continue reading if you are depressed or suicidal. This is extremely triggering.

_When you feel empty, the world moves so slow, yet you feel like the days creep up on you so fast. Your deadlines get closer as you have no energy to do anything about them, which just leads to anxiety and procrastination. You see as everyone goes out and lives their lives, and you get left behind. Nothing fulfills your dissatisfaction with life. You try new hobbies, you watch funny videos, you write and read and all the stupid bullshit that people say is supposed to help and it doesn’t._

_The blogs and the articles say it’s a vitamin D thing, needing fresh air and sunlight. But sitting outside for hours, reading and doing homework, even listening to music does nothing to make you feel less empty. If anything, it makes you realize the deafening silence you hear even with all the noise of the world. The silence is what holds your thoughts that you don’t want to face. The silence is where you’re alone with the things you don’t want to face._

_So here I am. In silence, writing this note because I feel like I’m obligated. I’m writing it so you don’t wonder why I did it._

Adrien put the pencil down and leaned back in his chair. Was he supposed to be crying? He didn’t feel anything. He felt like he should be crying, but there was nothing left in him to do anything about it. What the hell was he supposed to write? These were what they all would last hear from him. How many was he supposed to write? One for his father, obviously. One for Nino. One for Ladybug. Maybe Nathalie? But what added another weight to his chest was his realization that there really was no one left on that list. He picked up his pencil again.

_Don’t blame yourself. Don’t think that this is because you rejected me, because that’s not it at all. None of this could ever be your fault. It’s my fault for not saying anything sooner. It’s my fault for letting it get this far._

_I’m not diagnosed with anything, but everyday I just feel so numb. Mother is gone, father is never around, and I’m stuck in the life of modeling if I like it or not. I feel so alone and I feel like I live my days on a loop of the same things, leaving me feel like my days are comprised with time fillers to keep me busy, yet I get no satisfaction for anything. I realized my life is worthless. All of these truths hit me like a truck, and I wonder why I haven’t felt this way sooner. I just feel so tired all of the time, and no matter how much sleep I get, how many naps and rest I have, I’m still tired. I know Chat Noir is a gift, and I’m being selfish for letting it go, but I’m leaving my Miraculous for someone who can handle the pressure better than I can._

_The Miraculous will be hidden in a slit I cut in my mattress. It’s on the bottom near the top left. Get it before anyone can find it._

_I know I don’t show it, but I respect your feelings and I accept your rejection. I know I hadn’t well in the past, but I was so enamoured with you that I was blinded by my feelings to think of the consequences of my actions. But know, even in my dying moments, I love you and I hope you forgive me for my past. Know you were a bright light in my life when I was stumbling through the dark._

_Please give the envelope labeled “Nino” to Nino Lahiffe. He’s a student at Collège Françoise Dupont. Father and Nathalie will find their letters on my desk._

_Find someone better than Adrien Agreste was. You deserve a better Chat Noir than I had been. Move on and save Paris without me. I know you will._

_So, goodbye Ladybug._

_-Chat_

Adrien continued to write the notes, feeling a sense of repetition as he explained his reasoning in different ways for the different people. He sealed the envelopes and addressed them, then hid them in one of his folders so no one would find them.

At the next patrol, he flipped on the switch and joked and flirted with Ladybug. Before they left he pulled out the folded envelope from his pocket.

“This is for you, but I need you to wait to open it up. Will you promise me you’ll read it tomorrow night? Not any sooner?” She chuckled.

“Whatever you say, silly cat.” She grabbed the envelope and waved a friendly wave and a genuine smile as she swung away.

When Adrien landed back in his room, he detransformed for the last time, and slipped off his ring, placing it in its box and setting it in the slit in his mattress, Plagg feeling useless as he was sucked into the ring.

He laid out the two envelopes on his desk, names facing up, and went to his bathroom. He hadn’t truly realized what this moment would feel like. He wasn’t crying again. He thought he’d cry and it’d be an emotional end. But he felt nothing. He didn’t feel anything, like he hadn’t for months.

He swallowed a handful of melatonin and filled his bath to the brim. He grabbed a razor blade and stared at his arms for a long while. Finally, after sitting in silence for a good ten minutes, he left deep and a quick, painful slashes up his arms. It wasn’t until right then where he realized the repercussions of what he was doing. The people he was hurting. What he was doing to his father. But, the melatonin kicked in and his eyes felt heavier, and his body felt lighter as the blood flowed from his arms, and he sunk into the water. Adrien Agreste drowned regretting his decision and not wanting to die. Paris would never know what happened to the Chat Noir they once knew, and they never truly understood what happened to coverboy, Adrien Agreste.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this when I was feeling really down and needed to let out my thoughts. I was going to write this whole thing where everyone reacted and have this whole "suicide is never the answer" thing but I felt better and didn't want to dwell on the bad thoughts. So just know that suicide really isn't the right answer. I saw the way my friends and family felt when I tried to attempt and it isn't worth it. It never is worth it. Ending your pain just creates so much more pain for everyone else. There are people who are there for you. You can get better. There is a future.


End file.
